things have not been going well. i dont know man.
why did i become such a weakling? hmms.
maybe i try too hard. maybe.

been taking away somethings which i depend upon alot to concentrate on other stuffs.
yes, i've change my prorities. maybe i should not have.
things like using handphone 24hrs, smsing, loitering after school, gaming, jamming and all.
yes, i took them away. maybe i should not, at all.

i used the new-found time on things i think should be more important like studies, cca, family.
yes, amazingly, i did most of my homework and i communicate more with my sister due to stuffs on super junior. =)
maybe if i remained as i used to, rather than to place more pressure on myself, i would have been better. maybe, just maybe.

i used to preferred my ccas more than my studies. at least i do better there.
and now, i've placed studies on par with my ccas.
maybe i should not have. maybe.

and yes, i dont touch my handphone unless i think there is a need to.
i never knew i could do that at all, seriously.
my bills been overshot due to my 2k+, 3k smses.
so i've decided to not touch my phone for one day. and it was alright.
so there goes one week. and one month.. and so on.
maybe handphone is not as important as i thought. yeah. thats it.

okays. with my current situation, it reminds me of a scene from midnight sun.
did i tell you guys about it? that movie was amazing.
and i love yui's goodbye days. =)))

it's like after so much doing, you realised that it doesnt help at all.
in the end, she still died in the movie.
what's wrong man?
i tried to improved myself and yes, my studies became better.
but what happened to me? i've become so weak.
if i could, i would have slapped myself.

and i want to clarify something.
crying is my way of expressing myself.
when im sad, i cry.
when im angry, i cry.
when im happy, i cry, in a good way i guess.
so dont worry.
cause if i dont cry, that's the time you take the cue.
- it probably means there's something wrong with me.

if im angry and i dont cry. you better make me cry. sounds weird?
probably. people must be thinking im crazy.
if im too angry, to be rated, i wont cry at all.
and at that time, i can see myself killing that person.
seriously. as though it's a movie being played in front of you suddenly.
and it's not the easy push you down the building kind of thing.
but though sadistic way, where you slice them piece by piece.
hear them scream, hear them howl. i like it. i dont know why. but yes, i like it alot.

and yes. with the above evidences, i conclude that this is why you should make me cry. make me feel bad.
cause if you dont, you may never know what's on my mind.
yes. you will never know. never. =)

but anyway, i've changed.
stopped the thoughts. i think.
cause there have not been anyone else who have made me that angry than that very same person.
but he has changed. he gave me more freedom. and hopefully, trusted me more.

and yes. one way that could make me that angry is to frame me. and not believe in what i say. especially when it is the truth and it have been going on for years.

okays. i should stop this.
maybe when i think of something else then i'll come again.

sweetlovebuggies.